Five Things to Love About Attachment
Most of my clients, indeed most people who have any meaningful contact with me, have heard me talk about attachment theory. Attachment theory studies how people (and other mammals) bond and connect. Focusing on early relationships between infants and their caregivers, attachment theory looks at how we are shaped in relationship through the lifespan. By studying the “attachment system” that exists between two people, attachment theory looks at what things lead to a “secure attachment”—a felt sense of security and safety within a relationship.
While much of attachment theory looks at interactions between caregivers and infants/children, attachment systems also exist between teachers and students, between friends, between intimate partners, and between therapist and clients. One goal of therapy is to create an experience of secure attachment—that is, safety— between the therapist and client, using a lot of the same components that create a secure attachment between a caregiver and infant/child. Over time, the secure feeling in the therapy room generalizes into a sense of feeling safer in everyday life. This sense of safety may be particularly important during periods of anxiety and transition when uncertainty can give way to feelings of being unsafe.
My understanding of attachment is a huge resource for me. It reminds me of my innate capacity to connect and is something I find elegantly beautiful. It helps me feel grounded and connected, and makes me feel good! Here are five things I love about attachment theory:
1. The ability to create a sense of safety in others is in our bodies.
So many of our body systems participate in the process of attachment, often outside of our immediate consciousness. For instance, the presence of an adult heartbeat helps regulate a newborn’s heartbeat. A regulated heartbeat creates an internal sense of safety for the newborn. Throughout the lifespan, our bodies continue to resonate with and co-regulate one another. A calm body can help an anxious body become more calm. I love this fact about attachment because it helps me remember that one of the best things I can do for someone is keep my own body regulated and feeling safe because that feeling can be contagious.
2. Secure attachment feels good.
We’re social creatures, and as such have evolved to look out for one another. We are also creatures that are motivated by “rewards” such as feeling good. If something makes us feel good, we keep doing it. Attachment behavior—forming relationships, caring for young, helping others—keeps us close and protects us as a species. It also leads to positive feelings of warmth, connection, expansiveness, flow and so on. I love this fact about attachment for the simple reason that I enjoy feeling good!
3. Rupture and repair builds trust.
Attachment theory tells us that mistakes and misses in relationship help strengthen the relationship. This is also referred to as rupture and repair. A rupture in a relationship can take the form of a disagreement, an oversight, or even just a moment of awkwardness. While uncomfortable or painful, the rupture provides the relationship the opportunity to come back together. Trust builds when both people in the relationship learn that they can go away and come back again.
4. The ability to connect exists throughout the lifespan.
We are shaped by our relationships, and have the capacity to attach, until the day we die. I love this fact about attachment because it means that there is always the capacity to develop a sense of security, even if that is not what we experienced as children.
5. Attachment theory explains so much!
Attachment theory looks at how our patterns of relating begin in our earliest experiences. Looking at our earliest strategies for making connection with caregivers can offer insight into other important past and present day relationships. Such awareness is a fundamental step in shifting patterns that no longer feel good.