Finding Secure Attachment in Children's Books: Hug
As a therapist, parent and human being, I spend a lot of time thinking about attachment, specifically secure attachment. Attachment is the bond that connects two people. Attachment patterns—how we connect, or struggle to connect—form within early relationships with parents, caregivers and siblings. When the attachment process is “good enough,” a secure attachment forms. Secure attachment shows up as a sense of inner safety, and a capacity for curiosity and exploration. It also lays the groundwork for future relationships.
Sometimes early relational experiences fall short, leading to insecurity and difficulty finding comfort in relationship and connecting with others. Luckily, the potential for developing secure attachment exists throughout the lifespan. Secure attachment can be “earned,” and attachment patterns can change. This change happens primarily through experiences of safe and attuned relationships, such as with intimate partners, close friends, family members, mentors, and therapists. Within these relationships, attachment can heal.
A basic understanding of what attachment looks like, and feels like, can also be helpful for healing attachment. Children’s literature offers countless examples of secure attachment, and can provide a felt sense experience of inner safety. For instance, Hug, by Jez Alborough tells the story of a young chimp, Bobo, who is looking for his mother. This sweet and simple three word story also it tells the story of secure attachment.
Before joining Bobo, let’s take a look what secure attachment looks like in children. First, securely attached children develop an “internal secure base” built from repeated positive experiences of safety in relationship. Carrying this safety inside, they are able to venture from their caregivers and explore. Second, securely attached children also are able to connect with others and seek help when needed. Third, securely attached children may become distressed when they are away from their caregivers, but are easily soothed when they are reunited.
Bobo begins his journey moving through the forest looking at various caregiver/child animal pairs hugging. He points to each of them and says a single word: hug. His happy expression suggests the loving experiences he witnesses resonate with memories of his own caretaking experiences. As time passes, Bobo begins to feel lonely. Through facial expression and body language, it is clear that he wants his Mommy. He has confidently explored the world, but now needs to return to his attachment figure to recharge. He approaches a friendly pair of elephants, a parent and a child, and asks for help. The fact that Bobo is able to turn to another adult for help suggests that he has an internal working model that tells him that he can find safety in relationships.
Bobo becomes increasingly upset as he and his elephant friends look for his Mommy; the safety he has found with the elephant gives way to access to a deep feeling of sadness. In this deep emotional state, he doesn’t disconnect from his elephant friends. Instead, he stays in contact, trusting that they can help. Suddenly Mommy appears, and calls out for her little one. Mommy and Bobo embrace, and Bobo is easily soothed. He takes in her hug, and then is able to move away from the “secure base” once again to thank the elephant for her support, and then celebrate with the whole community of jungle animals.
It tickles me to apply my therapist brain to the books I read over and over again with my child. And when I take a step back and take it in, it touches me. I feel appreciative of the authors and illustrators who understand what it feels like to have a secure relationship, and who are able to capture the feeling of safety, expansiveness and ease in bright drawings and simple language.