An Open Letter to Carl Rogers

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”  Carl Rogers.

Carl Rogers was an American psychologist who began his career in the 1950’s and studied and wrote throughout the 1980’s.  He is considered to be a grandparent of Humanistic psychology and client-centered therapy.  Shifting away from a pathologizing, “therapist as expert” stance, Rogers created a collaborative model of counseling that privileged the knowledge and experience of the client.  I came to know Rogers’ principles as they were taught through the hearts of the collective members at the Berkeley Free Clinic, where I trained as a peer counselor.  I carry Rogers with me in my life and in my therapy practice.  I share this authentic part of myself here because it is part of what I embody when I sit with my clients. 

Dear Carl, 

Thank you for teaching me about empathy, non-judgment and unconditional positive regard—your conditions for creating psychological safety.  During my training and work as a peer counselor, I learned to rest in these principles.

The tools were simple and elegant: reflective listening; non-verbal minimal attending (the oh’s and ah’s of listening; a humming along); and a warm, accepting, and gently curious presence. My role as a peer counselor was to convey that I was there and that I was trying to understand.  That something so simple could be so supportive felt like a sort of magic. 

I naturally internalized the work, and it began to alter my way of being.  I felt what it was like to create space for others, and in the process, space opened up inside of me.  I was developing a practice of being in the moment while remaining both grounded and empathetically engaged.  When I practiced relating in this way, I felt good and kind and capable.   It became easier to really be okay with whatever was going on around and inside of me. Through learning to support others in finding safety, I found safety inside myself.

From this place, I could turn my attention in, and sense inside. I began to feel what you call the actualizing tendency.  You taught that each individual holds the capacity to grow and the light to follow that growth.  I came to know that too, through sitting with members of the community, and through being with myself.  Through your own observation and self-reflection, you came to understand people as having a basic organismic trustworthiness.  I came to find that within myself.  I trust that you, Carl, know what a gift that is.

So thank you, Carl.  I carry you within me, a beautiful model of relationship. I aspire to bring your life and work into mine. 

Warmest regards,

Leah

Finding Secure Attachment in Children's Books: Hug

As a therapist, parent and human being, I spend a lot of time thinking about attachment, specifically secure attachment.  Attachment is the bond that connects two people.  Attachment patterns—how we connect, or struggle to connect—form within early relationships with parents, caregivers and siblings.  When the attachment process is “good enough,” a secure attachment forms.  Secure attachment shows up as a sense of inner safety, and a capacity for curiosity and exploration. It also lays the groundwork for future relationships.

Sometimes early relational experiences fall short, leading to insecurity and difficulty finding comfort in relationship and connecting with others. Luckily, the potential for developing secure attachment exists throughout the lifespan.  Secure attachment can be “earned,” and attachment patterns can change.  This change happens primarily through experiences of safe and attuned relationships, such as with intimate partners, close friends, family members, mentors, and therapists.  Within these relationships, attachment can heal. 

A basic understanding of what attachment looks like, and feels like, can also be helpful for healing attachment. Children’s literature offers countless examples of secure attachment, and can provide a felt sense experience of inner safety.  For instance, Hug, by Jez Alborough tells the story of a young chimp, Bobo, who is looking for his mother.  This sweet and simple three word story also it tells the story of secure attachment.

Before joining Bobo, let’s take a look what secure attachment looks like in children.  First, securely attached children develop an “internal secure base” built from repeated positive experiences of safety in relationship.  Carrying this safety inside, they are able to venture from their caregivers and explore.  Second, securely attached children also are able to connect with others and seek help when needed.  Third, securely attached children may become distressed when they are away from their caregivers, but are easily soothed when they are reunited.

Bobo begins his journey moving through the forest looking at various caregiver/child animal pairs hugging.  He points to each of them and says a single word: hug.  His happy expression suggests the loving experiences he witnesses resonate with memories of his own caretaking experiences.  As time passes, Bobo begins to feel lonely.  Through facial expression and body language, it is clear that he wants his Mommy.  He has confidently explored the world, but now needs to return to his attachment figure to recharge.  He approaches a friendly pair of elephants, a parent and a child, and asks for help. The fact that Bobo is able to turn to another adult for help suggests that he has an internal working model that tells him that he can find safety in relationships. 

Bobo becomes increasingly upset as he and his elephant friends look for his Mommy; the safety he has found with the elephant gives way to access to a deep feeling of sadness.  In this deep emotional state, he doesn’t disconnect from his elephant friends.  Instead, he stays in contact, trusting that they can help.  Suddenly Mommy appears, and calls out for her little one.  Mommy and Bobo embrace, and Bobo is easily soothed. He takes in her hug, and then is able to move away from the “secure base” once again to thank the elephant for her support, and then celebrate with the whole community of jungle animals.

It tickles me to apply my therapist brain to the books I read over and over again with my child.  And when I take a step back and take it in, it touches me.  I feel appreciative of the authors and illustrators who understand what it feels like to have a secure relationship, and who are able to capture the feeling of safety, expansiveness and ease in bright drawings and simple language.   

Surviving Holiday Gatherings

It’s November.  Fall is deepening, winter awaits and the rain is (finally, thankfully) beginning to fall.  The holidays are approaching, and with them, gatherings of friends, family, colleagues and coworkers.  Sometimes these gatherings put us in touch with the warmth of the season.  Cozy and well-fed, we connect.  Other times, these gatherings bring a sense of anxiety and dread.  We may feel trapped or cornered, disconnected and weighed down.  Here are five tips for surviving holiday gatherings, and making it through this busy and often stressful time of the year.  

1. Take care of yourself in the time leading up to the event.

Imagine what you might be able to do before you leave your house or before the guests arrive.  Are there self-care practices you can strengthen in the days and hours leading up to the stressful event?  A yoga class, a walk with a friend or a few extra minutes of quiet in the morning are simple things you can do to help soothe your nervous system in advance of a stressor.  In general, be gentle with yourself as you get ready.  Listen to music you like, choose something to wear that makes you feel particularly comfortable/confident/bright/serene—whatever it is that you need.  Follow your intuition.  Trust yourself.

2. Come up with a plan for addressing possible stressors.  

It’s completely natural to want to avoid thinking about a stressful situation.  Family dinner coming up? I don’t want to think about it! Office party on the horizon? Wake me up when it’s over!  Fair enough! Take a moment to make some space for the experience of not wanting to think about it. Feel the resistance.  Take a breath into it.  Pay attention to how it’s showing up for you.  Notice how your body reacts, notice what your mind does.  This kind of paying attention will be key to making it through the stressful event.

And now, take another breath, and then take a few moments to think through the event.  As you do, notice how your inner experience changes.  First, gently imagine the things that might cause stress at the actual event.  You could jot these down, share them with a friend, or list them in your mind.  Are there people you dread seeing?  Conversations you’d rather not have?  A general feeling of isolation that makes you tense up and shut down? Notice how even beginning to think about the event changes your present moment experience.  Notice if you spin off into memory or fantasy.  Then, gently bring yourself back and ask yourself what you might need in those moments.  

For instance, if you dread seeing someone who often questions your life choices, it might be helpful to rehearse saying something along the lines of “I’m really happy with the decisions I’m making these days,” or “Yes, I’ve been in a period of transition, but I’m seeing my way through.” Practice until you feel safe, grounded and non-defensive.  You can also think of some neutral topics to discuss.  A simple tip for small talk is to focus on the things around you--the food, the weather, a piece of art.  As a bonus, you can even imagine  feeling warmth or compassion toward the person you dread seeing!  

Or maybe when you bring the event to mind you feel a general sense of feeling trapped.  Brainstorm ways that you might be able to get away, even if just for moments.  Can you step outside and take a few deep breaths?  “Forget” something in the car, and feel your feet on the ground and the sky above you as you walk out to retrieve it?  Disappear into the bathroom for a few extra minutes?  Step outside for a spell to admire the sunset, stars or scenery? Notice if there’s a voice that tells you that you’re not allowed to get away.  Take a minute to listen to that voice and acknowledge its concerns.  It’s probably just trying to help in some way, keep you safe within the herd.  Now thank that voice and let it know that you’re just taking care of yourself, that it’s okay to take a little space, and that you’ll come back when you’re feeling better and more able to really be there.  

Is the feeling that comes up one of isolation? Feeling isolated and alone in a group can be very disturbing and uncomfortable—and common.  A feeling of isolation is often asking for an experience of connection.  Is there someone at the gathering who you can connect with, even if just for a moment?  It doesn’t have to be a close friend or dear relative—someone you feel “good enough” with is enough.  If it feels comfortable and right, it might even help to connect with that person beforehand.  A simple “I’m feeling a little nervous about the office party.  I always feel so out of place! Can we  plan on arriving together?” might make all the difference.  Who knows, you might be easing someone else’s anxiety at the same time.  Hanging out with kids can also be a great way to break feelings of isolation.  Offer to hold a baby or take a restless child for a trip into the backyard.   And if there’s nobody at the gathering to connect with, make a plan to reach out to someone who's not there.  It can be a phone call on the way over, a quick text exchange while you’re there, or an email written from home when everything is over.  

While it might be somewhat challenging to imagine the stressful event in advance, being gentle with yourself and planning ahead of time for how to meet your needs can go a long way toward lessening the anxiety and making space for connection and celebration.  

3. Stay with yourself when you’re there

Once you're at the gathering, pay attention to how you're doing.  It’s common to “disappear" in a way when we are under stress.  Our bodies are in the room, but our experience is elsewhere. While this can temporarily relieve the discomfort, but it has its downsides.  If we are not present to the experience of the moment we can’t take care of ourselves, and we ultimately suffer.  Shutting out negative experiences also shuts out potentially positive experiences.  Make a commitment to checking in with yourself at least a hand full of times while you’re at the gathering.  It might help to have a set time—every time you fill up your water glass, for example, or each time you see the color blue.  You might check in by feeling your feet on the ground, wiggling your fingers and toes and taking a deep breath. Notice how you’re doing or if there's anything you need.  Find a wise a strong part inside of you that is able to take care of the upset, frustrated or scared part.  Maybe it’s time to take a minute outside or check in with a friend.  Be kind to yourself, and see if you can catch any critical voices that come in.  There may be a part of you that berates you for having a hard time, or berates those around you for giving you a hard time.  Once again, you can thank that voice.  It’s probably trying to protect you in some way.  Let it know that you will listen to it later, but right now you want to focus on being okay and making it through the event.  And once again, a few deep breaths might help calm and stabilize your experience. 

4. Take in the good

Despite the stress of holiday gatherings, you may find moments of peace, pleasure and connection.  By staying present with your experience you’ll be more likely to be able to take them in.  Notice good smells, warm light, any positive energy around you.  Eat food mindfully, paying attention to the textures, tastes and smells.  See if you can tune into the layers of sounds that a gathering holds—voices, dishes, footsteps, music.  Even if the overall feeling of it is still unpleasant, noticing the complexity can drop you into a deeper level of experience, and bring enjoyment.  

Also notice what it feels like to really take good care of yourself during a stressful event.  What does it feel like to take breaks when you need them?  To respond to your need for connection? To hold firm boundaries within difficult conversations?  You might notice a sense of being more in your body.  You might notice lightness in your heart or release in your belly.  You might feel powerful or at ease.  Hang out with these experiences as they come.  Notice how they ebb and flow.  These positive moments are your reward for doing the challenging work of paying attention.  

5. Celebrate and decompress

Taking care of yourself is hard work, and for many, a very different approach.   Maybe you didn’t do everything you imagined.  Maybe you got frustrated or overwhelmed, or you spent some time disappearing.  That’s okay!  Focus, at least for now, on what did work.  Celebrate any little changes that you made, any moments you were able to stay present and respond to what you needed.  And now, take some time to do whatever it is that you want to do.  Listen inside and ask yourself what would feel best right now.  Find people you enjoy spending time with, or tuck yourself in for an evening of movies.  Go out for a walk in the cool air, or take a hot bath.  You made it through something! It’s time to relax.